dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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