Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
