ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I want to fling myself into the sun
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
