I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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