i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
