I CAN MOONWALK!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
