if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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