I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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