Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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