apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
