yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
