i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
