i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
