Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
