I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
