If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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