Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Watching her eat just hurts me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
