Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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