I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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