so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
