from now on my penis is your penis
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
