Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
