my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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