i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
