i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
