Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
