Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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