I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
