im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
