so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
