M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
