I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You have to summon your inner elephant
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
