Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
