when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
