We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The ass gains better be worth it
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