what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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