I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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