its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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