Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
