I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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