I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
