I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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