matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
high people should be assigned attendants
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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