My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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