so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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