When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
