Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
