he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
