I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
