We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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